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 The omnipotent's of sorrow

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Kitty Mew Mew
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PostSubject: The omnipotent's of sorrow   Thu Mar 05, 2015 3:22 pm

(this is something i wanted to write tell me what you all think)

I don't remember why I was born, or when I was born. I remember waking up in this vast empty void the went on forever. It never stopped nor did it end, and there was I in the center of it all having this feeling of pure emptiness. Something was missing but I could never point out what it was. This lasted for so long until this pain could no longer be held. I was in this void of sorrow until I found this wisp, this single wisp with a flame so dim. That dim flame fluttered in my hands as I grabbed hold of it and simply uttered the worlds''bring my happiness.''
In that moment this empty void vanished and revealed billions upon billions of these flames all scattered across this beautiful plane. As the years went on I messed with this realm of existence. Creating worlds and life that I could call my own. It was simple at first, watching as the small imperfections went away and revealed a land so perfect in every sense of the word. Even though mt feat was grand something felt missing, something to give this world life so I created life. Various beast that roamed the land, air and sea, but it wasn't enough. I wanted more for this world, possibilties that would be endless, so I created man.
Man and women to hold onto this world and take care of it. I was almost proud, but they were nothing more then children. They broke my rule and casted themselves into never ending horror. I wanted to help them I wanted to teach them how to take care of all around them. I was a fool, my words, my teachings, my creations TWISTED INTO MONSTROSITIES. I never wished for this to happen I had to watch as they killed themselves and justified it under my name. WHY?!? why my name why would something I love do this.
These humans defiled everything I made, they killed and gained glory off of the suffering of others. I tried to stop it but they managed to bring ruin onto everything. I sent messengers to convey my words in hopes of ending all this. Why did it fail, why can't I stop it, why have I failed. Why have I failed in making things write.
I lay here..alone..having given up all hope in trying. This is true sorrow knowing nothing you could do, could ever make things right...

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Valkoor
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PostSubject: Re: The omnipotent's of sorrow   Thu Mar 05, 2015 5:19 pm

First of all, grammar would help. As for actual criticism:

There is a lot of un-needed wordiness. Lush description is great, but throwing in extra words isn't. Try taking out any pronouns or helping verbs you don't need. In addition, you seem to have a lot of repetition of never-ending and void. While repetition is good to drive a point, it isn't when it simply seems like you don't have another word to use for it. Also, NEVER capitalize to stress a point in proper writing (no, this isn't proper writing.) Always italicize. Other than that though, it seems good. Razz
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P-P-Pantsu...
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PostSubject: Re: The omnipotent's of sorrow   Thu Mar 05, 2015 6:08 pm

I got a C in english so ugh... what valk said :I

Oh and " I failed in making things write. " Right* Razz
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PostSubject: Re: The omnipotent's of sorrow   Thu Mar 05, 2015 11:58 pm

this is acholy prity good but i feal like theres a refrinc in there some were >.> i could be wrong dow

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PostSubject: Re: The omnipotent's of sorrow   Fri Mar 06, 2015 2:12 am

Dats dark :c 10/10
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